Canada-Romania, 1998
Cast: Taylor Locke, Carly Pope, Barna Moricz, Markus Parilo, Gerry Quigley, Gloria Slade, George Ilie, Ovidiu Bucurenciu, Marcello Cobzariu, Marius Florea
Directed by: George Erschbamer (or maybe Jeff Burr)

SEX: 0
VIOLENCE: 0

THE PLOT:
Tom (Taylor Locke), a smartass 13-year-old, and Sarah (Carly Pope), his hot yet dumb older sister, are taken on a family vacation by their parents who hope to curb their rebellious attitude. They end up in a Western ghost town and the siblinggs stumble upon a strange looking object that takes them back in time to the year 1880. These two must be extremely jaded, since they take in stride the whole going-back-in-time thing and insist on making allegedly hip remarks about MTV, microwave ovens and electric can openers. Tom and Sarah quickly befriend a dimwitted youngster by the name of Johnny Coyle (Barna Moricz), who talks his mother into letting them stay in their cabin. On the way to Johnny�s place they witness a UFO crash nearby and go looking for it the next day. Sure enough, they quickly find it and figure out how to get inside, where they meet an adorable baby alien they call Jiffy (George Ilie). Luckily they also discover the device that took then back to the Old West can also translate the aliens� language into English and they also learn Jiffy�s mother has been captured by poachers who plan on selling her to P.T. Barnum. Worst of all, her life support system will stop working within 24 hours. With help from Johnny Coyle, a half-assed speech on tolerance courtesy of Tommy and dumb luck, they manage to rescue Jiffy�s mother in the nick of time and convince the townfolk the aliens are harmless. Sarah and Tom finally go back to their own time period and reunite with their parents, for whom they have a newfound appreciation.

THE VERDICT:
When it comes to movies hardly anything has the ability to unnerve me. Hentai, extreme gore, porn videos with titles like Anal Midget Gang Bang... you name it. After years of sitting through exploitation flicks from all over the world, I can watch the sort of film that turns mainstream audiences into lynching mobs and wonder what all the fuzz is about.

However, there remains a genre that can make me crawl into a corner and cry like a little girl. I am talking of course about the dreaded family film. This has a lot to do with the fact that children and marriage are most definitely not one of my goals in life. More importantly, my hatred for those wholesome, exemplary films stems from their terminal lameness. It�s as if the writers and directors of this fare think that as long as there�s an earnest, touchy-feely message there�s no need for any entertainment value to be thrown into the mix.

Now, I knew going in that Aliens in the Wild, Wild West was a family film. There was no misleading video box or ad campaign to make me think otherwise. Still, I went ahead and sat through the damned thing for a couple of reasons. The first is the title. Looks great, doesn�t it? Even if the movie is aimed at kids there should be cowboys and injuns and little green men and lots of action, right? Apparently, the producers didn�t think so. I�ll get to that soon enough, but first I�d like to mention the second reason I subjected myself to this: Carly Pope from TV�s Popular is in it and she�s yummy. And once again I was painfully reminded that you can�t judge a movie by the attractiveness of the leading lady.

This being a family film, there�s no sex and violence to speak of. A couple of guns are fired at some point and Carly Pope wears a slutty outfit in an all-too-brief scene near the start of the movie, but Aliens in the Wild, Wild West gets a big, fat zero as far as my ratings system goes.

How could a movie with a title like Aliens in the Wild, Wild West not be packed with action? Well, it�s a family film, remember? They�re not supposed to be amusing or fun like ordinary movies. In keeping with this lack of excitement, the aliens aren�t the least bit menacing. Bear in mind the entire crew for the crummy CGI spaceship that lands in the supposedly wild west consists of a mild-mannered mother and child. That should be enough to dash any viewer�s hopes that this involves an alien invasion fended off by six-shooters.

Usually, my m.o. involves writing a brief synopsis at the very beginning of these reviews, for people who care about such things as "plot", and then examine at length any particularly interesting or goofy scenes. This time I�ve chosen to write a full play-by-play of the story because, frankly, I�m trying to forget I ever saw Aliens in the Wild, Wild West and I want to get this over with quickly. At this point I must ask you to go back to the top of the screen, reand the synopsis again and allow for the sheer idiocy of the plot to sink in.

... ... ...

Kind of an icky feeling, isn�t it?

Even family films can be slightly watchable if the screenwriters make an effort to come up with a handful of novel ideas to pepper an otherwise predictable plot. Instead, the makers of Aliens in the Wild, Wild West chose to stick religiously to the formula. In the very first scene we meet Tom as he videotapes a heated argument between his sister and father, while spewing someone�s idea of witty repartee. You get no extra points for guessing family values will prevail by the time the end credits roll. If you�ve seen just about any Disney movie (and who hasn�t?), you already know the drill.

Tom and his sister are shown throughout the entire film in a state of unabated bickering, which is par for the course in this kind of movie. However, we can tell there is no way the brother and sister team will come to any serious harm in their little time-travelling escapade. As for the aliens, the second Jiffy steps into the frame and it becomes apparent that it�s not just a baby, but a cute, furry one with big blue eyes, we also know no harm will come to it or its mother. As if that weren�t enough to dispel any tension the movie might still hold, the villains are mere buffoons who never come across as threatening.

Allow me to backpedal a bit and elaborate on the aliens. I described Jiffy as "cute and furry with big blue eyes" in the previous paragraph and I�m pretty sure that�s what creature designer Gabe Bartalos was aiming for. I must warn you, though, that something went horribly wrong in the process of translating Jiffy from the script to the screen. What the audience is actually shown is an alien creature that is only surpassed in butt-ugliness by everyone�s least favorite extraterrestrial, Nukie. I could be wrong, though. It�s quite possible that Jiffy�s description was along the lines of "ET and Bigfoot�s love child after a severe beating with an ugly stick". If that�s the case, I salute you, Mr. Bartalos: you did an amazing job.

The fact that Tom, Sarah, Johnny and Jiffy effortlessly get out of every predicament they run into, including one of the most blatant cases of deus ex machina I�ve ever seen, makes me suspect the producers had the script written on the flight to Romania, where the filming took place.

Those of you who have spent some time in this neck of the woods must have already noticed the familiar Full Moon Pictures stench emanating from your computer screen and assaulting your senses. While it would seem a foregone conclusion that Aliens in the Wild, Wild West is the work of the same people responsible for Ghoulies, Subspecies and Puppet Master, I�m not really sure this is the case. Some internet sources name Charles Band as producer and Jeff Burr as director, but according to the credits it was George Erschbamer on the director�s chair and Charles Band�s name doesn�t appear at all. Then again, I don�t think this movie warrants the research necessary to know the truth.

I could also mention the atrocious acting of everyone involved, with the possible exception of Carly Pope, and I didn�t just write that because she�s yummy. Although it helps. A lot. For instance, take Barna Moricz, who plays Johnny Coyle. Remember Jon Voight�s character in Midnight Cowboy? Think of Johnny Coyle as his great-granddaddy and you�ll have a very good idea why I had trouble taking him seriously as the hero.

The end credits make it clear that most of the cast other than Tom, Sarah and their parents were Romanian and it shows. It�s not as bad as in Hong Kong flicks, but the dubbing lives little doubt in the viewer�s mind that those are not the orignal actors� voices he/she is hearing. I�ll agree with anyone willing to stand up for the aforementioned actors that it must be really hard to act properly when the scripts is: a)badly written, and no, I won�t quote any lines of dialogue, watching Aliens in the Wild, Wild West once was painful enough, and b)said script is in a foreign language. Still, I can�t help but think that those actors must have sensed something was amiss when they stepped into the cheapjack sets. Surely when they got an eyeful of the creatures they must have thought the pay wasn�t good enough to play second-fiddle to a rubbery, fake-looking alien.

Of course, this cinematic experience wouldn�t be complete without the cowboys constantly talking about "ornery critters" and "newfangled contraptions". It�s supposed to be a Western, see?

If that�s not enough to make you avoid Aliens in the Wild, Wild West, I�ll give you one final reason: the scene that has Jiffy saying goodbye to his Earthling friends is so desperate in its attempt to manipulate the audience into fake emotion that even Steven Spielberg would be disgusted.

You don�t think so? Let me know: [email protected]