"Acapulco Heat"

Mexico, 1988
Cast:Alfonso Zayas, Cesar Bono, Rene Ruiz Tun Tun, Lina Santos, Yirah Aparicio, Rosario Escobar, Hugo Stiglitz, Roberto Ballesteros, Claudio Baez, Adriana Rojas, Angelica Ruiz, Agustin Bernal
Directed by: Alfonso Martinez Solares

SEX:
VIOLENCE:

I was originally going to review Neutron vs. the Amazing Dr. Caronte for this site but I saw this movie a couple of days ago and it blew my mind. I was expecting an average sex comedy and what I got instead was a prime example of the So Bad It�s Good genre. It�s a real treat for fans of The Toxic Avenger and Plan 9 From Outer Space.

THE PLOT:
Such as it is, tells the story of three lancheros (beach bums really and I know they�ll hate me for that) who must flee Acapulco when they inadvertently rip off a bunch of drug dealers. They haul ass to Mexico City where they do things like pimping, selling blood and stealing to survive, until the evil drug dealers catch up with them.

THE VERDICT:
At first it looks like your average run-of-the-mill sex comedy, with raunchy comedians and naked girls. The story of the three beach bums who accidentally steal from drug dealers is hardly original. It�s actually quite stupid. The reason these guys get in trouble is because Rosario (Rosario Escobar), one of their lady friends, mistakes her luggage for a suitcase full of money that belongs to the drug dealers. You would think these criminals would be more careful about their illegal earnings.

For that matter, there wouldn�t be any plot at all if the characters didn�t behave like complete idiots. It�s bad enough when two of the thugs, played by Roberto Ballesteros and Claudio Baez, kill Rosario for no good reason, and I know it�s wise not to think too hard about movies like this one, but why would Armando (Cesar Bono) and Roberto (Alfonso Zayas) bet all the money they just found at a cockfight? It makes no sense at all and animal lovers will be up in arms about this scene. Of course, they lose the money and when confronted by the drug dealers they have no choice but to flee to Mexico City.

The rest of the story hardly makes any sense so instead of trying to explain it I�ll mention some of the many reasons why Tres Lancheros Muy Picudos belongs in the So Bad It�s Good Hall of Fame, in no particular order:

1.I�m no prude. In fact, I curse like a drunken sailor. Still, I was taken aback by the profanity-laden dialogue in this film. There is not a single line of dialogue that doesn�t have some swearing in it. The typical speech goes like this: "You�re fucking dead, you fucking whore!" Who wrote the script? Frank from Blue Velvet?

2.The dubbing is laughable! The movie was obviously shot MOS (without sound) and the dialogue was looped in later. If you think the dubbing in Hong Kong flicks is bad, wait until you see this movie. Those in charge of translating chop-sockey epics had to deal with different languages. The makers of Tres Lancheros Muy Picudos were dubbing Spanish into Spanish and they managed to make a complete mess of it. It�s soooo bad, it�s hilarious!

3.This movie is insane! Armando (Cesar Bono) and Tun Tun (Rene Ruiz), who is a midget, run into all kinds of trouble while trying to make a living in Mexico City and this leads to some of the most surreal hijinks ever filmed. Just when I thought it couldn�t get any crazier along would come a football team, a circumcision, a gay club, chocolate cake and, yes, even vampires. It makes Un Chien Andalou look sedated.

4.Needless to say, there�s gratuitous nudity. You can see Rosario Escobar, Adriana Rojas, Angelica Ruiz and Yirah Aparicio naked. Gorgeous Lina Santos is also in it, but as I mentioned in the review for The Fearless Vampire Hunters, she doesn�t do nude scenes. It�s kind of strange that while her morals wouldn�t allow her to appear naked she had no qualms about playing a call girl.

5.Tres Lancheros Muy Picudos shares the same cast and crew with the The Fearless Vampire Hunters and it also has the same locations. I�m guessing they were shot back-to-back. This isn�t really outstanding except I remember watching another movie with pretty much the same cast and crew as these two. It was called La Negra Tomasa and I�m not really sure if it was that similar to the other two movies because it�s been a while since I saw it. However, if I remember correctly, that would mean the people responsible for this crappy movie actually had the nerve to make not two, but three lousy movies simultaneously!

6.The producers must have thought having comedians, naked women and action scenes wasn�t entertaining enough, so they threw in martial arts for good measure. While the action sequences are amusing for all the wrong reasons (the stunt doubles look nothing like the actors), the kung fu isn�t all that bad.

7.The scene that involves Cesar Bono and Tun Tun in the gay club must be seen to be believed. All of the patrons wear the most ridiculous wigs ever made and for some reason there�s a breakdancing midget in a sailor outfit among them!

8.I�m not the biggest fan of MTV�s Jackass but I have to admit that when the movie focused on the comedians performing their antics on the street, with passersby staring at the camera, I developed a new level of appreciation for that show.

9.Acapulco�s lancheros are supposed to be studs. Don�t ask me why. Even if you buy into that you�re going to need some serious suspension of disbelief to accept Alfonso Zayas, who is quite homely, as a successful gigolo. To his credit, the comedian makes fun of this himself, at one point Linda (Lina Santos) sends him on his first assignment as a male prostitute and when the woman he�s supposed to pleasure asks him: "They sent you?" he replies: "Yes, can you believe it?"

That�s about it. Fans of Troma or Something Weird Video should love this deranged sex comedy, if they ever get to see it.

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